What the hell did you just say?

The most recent surprising thing out of my daughter’s mouth was “Mommy, when did you know J was your forever guy?” She catches me off guard so many times in a week, I have my “Hmm how am I going to answer this one?” face down to a science. I gracefully explained to the inquiring mind that I simply *just knew it over time*. It sounded like bullshit, even to me, but I didn’t know how to pin point and explain to her the exact moment I decided J was my one. Looking back, it was definitely the first time I met him in person… I had never had so much fun :) He knew right up front how crazy I am and kept coming back for more! But as so often happens, I digress.

For a few months now, I’ve kept a list of funny questions that little J asks us. It’s a list of questions versus a list of statements because she really is an inquisitive (read: nosy) little girl! Most of these questions are from kitchen conversation, because that’s where the list is located (on the side of the fridge) and the only place I remember to write the hilarity down. Here is a sampling of my daughter’s most recent crazy questions:

  • How do you decaf coffee?
  • What happens if you put ice cream in the oven?
  • Do all cats have kittens?
  • J, How was your childhood?
  • What is rhinoplasty? “What do you think it is?” Dinosaur chicken nuggets!
  • Am I eating a cow? (We were having beef tips & rice for dinner)
  • Why do stomachs growl?
  • How much money do artists make?
  • Where can I find crystals?
  • Where does the toilet take poop & pee? (Unfortunately, yes this conversation also took place in the kitchen)
  • How is glue sticky?
  • What makes the different colors in rainbows?
  • How is a cookie like a laptop? “Umm I don’t know, how?” I don’t know either!! (One of her many failed attempts at creating her own jokes…)
  • Are we eating a pig, a cow or a chicken? “A cow.” Yay we’re eating a cow! (Again, having beef tips for dinner. Something about this meal prompts her to think about the origin of pre-packaged meat..)
  • How does the sun turn your hair and skin a different color?
  • (In a high school bathroom with students in hearing distance) What’s a tampon?

Give me a break right! I’m good, but I’m not that good! Many times my answer is literally “Little J, I don’t know how to answer that right now.” Or even more frequently, “Go get my phone so I can Google that.” How in the world am I supposed to keep a mental catalogue of these random ass trivia facts that are only relevant for 3 minutes of my entire life when she asks me these things?! I’ve learned a lot in trying to satiate her curiosity, and I know that she’s learned a lot too.. but for God’s sake, can I get a break from time to time? The kid literally NEVER stops asking questions (or talking in general)! Fortunately she also sometimes just has funny things to say, like this one night…

She used to sleep walk from time to time. She would seem to be awake but completely not with it… you could talk to her, pick her up, move her around – totally unresponsive.

One night J found her wandering down the hall so he scooped her up to put her back in bed. She was really upset about something in her sleep I guess, because she started whining “It hurts!”

J: “What hurts Little J?”

Little J: “My rudolph.”

J: “Your rudolph? What happened to your rudolph?”

Little J: “My rudolph… fell off …my yucky!”

LOL This story still makes me burst into giggles – that night was hilarious! Other entertaining characteristics about her include an infatuation with things that are from “back in the day” (which in her mind means black & white TVs and pre-cell phones), constantly trying to think up business schemes to make money (selling homemade beaded bracelets & hand drawn pictures), and looking to prank us with fake spiders at least twice per day! For all the crap that goes into raising a kid, these moments of funny are a sweet reprieve. :)

A few months ago I had to stifle inappropriate laughter when she said “that was the best workout my mouth has ever had!” She was referring to chewing gum that was great for blowing bubbles… but my mind stays in the gutter.

Last year she made a play on words, which always makes her feel proud: “Want to know what a brotherhood is?” “Yeah sure what is it?” “It’s a neighborhood full of brothers! (insert uncontrollable laughter here) …actually, it’s kindness!”

Two years ago we had this conversation: “I really like the fruit loop necklace you made for 100th day!” “Well there’s not 100 fruit loops on there, only 89.” “Why?” “I ate some!” 

This morning she told me “I want you to draw a picture on the whiteboard. I want to see your inner artist Mom!” How could I say no to that? Or say yes with a straight face??

There are so many other statements, questions & conversations that should be included here but sadly no more are coming to mind at the moment. Do me a favor and leave a COMMENT with some of the funniest things to ever come out of your kid’s mouths! In the meantime, some enjoyable quotes about children:

  • There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child.  There are seven million.  ~Walt Streightiff
  • The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.  ~Joan Kerr
  • Smack your child every day. If you don’t know why — he does. ~Joey Adams
  • Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
  • The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. ~Lane Olinghouse
  • First you have to teach a child to talk, then you have to teach it to be quiet. ~Prochnow
  • While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. ~Angela Schwindt
  • Many parents are finding out that a pat on the back helps develop character – if given often enough, early enough, and low enough. ~Author Unknown

And my favorite on this list: Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your kids. ~Sam Levenson

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