Typical morning at my place:
Alarm goes off at 6:05, attempt to turn my phone off, realize it’s the alarm clock, drop my phone on the floor, bang on the alarm clock till I successfully hit the snooze button, fall back asleep.
Alarm goes off at 6:07, bang on the alarm clock, realize it’s my phone, fall half way over the side of the bed feeling for it on the floor, find it, poke the screen furiously until I hit dismiss, fall back asleep.
Alarm goes off at 6:10, know immediately it’s the alarm clock, stupid snooze button, bang on it till I hit it again, fall back asleep.
Alarm goes off at 6:15, bang on alarm clock, realize it’s my phone again, luckily hit dismiss the first time, throw it across the room, fall back asleep.
Alarm goes off at 6:25, realize it’s the phone again, wonder to myself why I set so many alarms on it, stumble out of bed to find it, hit dismiss, shut it off completely, notice that J has left for work, crawl back into bed, fall asleep.
In shuffles little J at 6:37 (obediently waking up the first time her alarm goes off), asks me what she can wear today, turn my phone back on, groggily check the weather, mumble she can wear jeans and a t-shirt, send her away, fall back asleep.
Hear my daughter yelling for help at 6:43, unhappily get out of bed, snap her stupid pants for her, suddenly realize it’s 6:45 and rush into the shower like my life is depending on it.
Emerge from the shower at 6:51, walk in on my daughter dancing in front of her bedroom mirror, yell at her to get into the bathroom to brush teeth/wash hands/etc., make my way to my closet to find clothes to wear.
Check on my daughter at 6:58, find her making funny faces in the bathroom mirror, yell at her to quit fooling around and get in the kitchen to start packing her lunch, head to my bathroom for teeth brushing/hair drying/etc.
Mad dash to the kitchen at 7:05, it’s crunch time. Slap together a PB&J sandwich, make the rest of the food choices for my daughter who is too busy munching on dry cereal, pour myself a travel mug full of coffee (thank you automatic brew that I never forget to set every night because I NEED that caffeine in the morning).
Realize my daughter’s hair looks a hot mess at 7:11, chase her into the bathroom for a quick pony tail, remind her to turn her lights off and close the doors, send her to the doorway for shoes and jacket.
“Did you fill out the yearbook form?” at 7:15, shit. Grab a check, scribble $17 away to the PTA, stuff it in the envelope, stuff it in her backpack, find the cat hiding in a bedroom that she’s not allowed in, get my shoes on, practically shove little J out the door.
Seatbelts buckled at 7:21. We missed it, the 5 minute window in which I can leave the apartment and be on time (between 7:15 and 7:20). If you think I’m kidding, take a drive through northern Virginia during that time. It’s like the witching hour for traffic. Leave before or after that window and you’re screwed. Pulling out of our parking lot at 7:21 means I’m getting to work at 8:05. Late again.
Obviously getting my ass out of bed earlier would get me to work on time. So why is it that I’m late to literally everything else too? Girl Scout meetings, soccer practices, every football and baseball game my fiancé has ever coached, birthday parties, weddings, school events, family gatherings… the list is forever long. It is so bad that my Mom and my best friend lie and tell me things start 30 minutes earlier than they actually do. And sometimes I still get there late!
It has been this way for my entire life. I used to be late to school, then to classes in college. And always, absolutely always to work. It’s amazing I’ve never been fired for my tardiness! Confession: I have somehow adopted the mentality that “I’ll get there when I get there.” I also hate waiting for things to start, which is my excuse for never being early to anything. So it got me thinking, am I alone? Am I the only pathologically tardy person out there?? I can’t be!
Please, put me in my place: