Short People Problems

4 feet 9 inches tall.

No, I am not a fucking midget. I didn’t have a severe allergic reaction stunt my growth or anything. I came into this world [2 weeks past due] 5lbs 6oz and tiny. I was always much shorter than everyone my age, and in high school my height came to a grinding halt at 4’9″.

My nickname throughout all of school was Shortie. Up until 5th grade that used to upset the shit out of me and I would get really pissed off and kick my classmates in the shins. True story. In 6th grade, little girls and boys started changing and I realized that the little boys (who were still so very little) kinda liked the short girls. Me.

6th grade

So I went along with it and to everyone – EVERYONE – I was Shortie. There are still people walking this planet that I went to school with that could not tell you my real name. Teachers, parents, coaches… good stuff. Moving on. Although I always enjoyed the attention and the conversation starter, being short can be a supreme pain in the ass for the most part.

Let me count the ways:

  • I am not an arm rest. Do not put your fucking elbow/arm on my shoulder or the top of my head. That leaves your rib cage wide open for me to punch you.
  • Sun visor in the car = useless. I don’t sit tall enough for it to actually block the sun from my eyes.
  • My fiancé, daughter and I have been out to dinner and have had the host ask us if we want two kids menus. On multiple occasions. I can think of 4 in the past couple of years.
  • Pants are always too long. Even the short sizes.
  • The obvious problem of reaching stuff that average sized people have no problem reaching. I have chronic neck pain from stretching up with my right arm to get shit. And the stupid stool that stays in the kitchen… mocking me.
  • A gas station attendant refused to sell me cigarettes once because she was convinced I had a fake ID and was under 18. I was 23 years old.
  • People assume that I’m weak because I’m short. Once my fiancé and I (completely by ourselves) unloaded a 26′ UHaul truck up 3 flights of stairs. Bitch I am not weak!
  • The next person to tell me “how cute I am” will go straight to the top of my shit list.
  • Standing at a concert. Can’t see shit besides the back of people’s heads. FML
  • I feel like I have tiny T-Rex dinosaur arms when playing pool.
  • My feet dangle when sitting most of the time… embarrassing.
  • Swimming pools? Torture. I can tread water like a pro though!
  • Etc, etc, etc…..

Now since you’ve stuck with me through all this bitching, your reward is this lovely little video I made for you. The first song is “Short People” by Randy Newman – what a douchebag. Enjoy :)


13 thoughts on “Short People Problems

  1. Pingback: Things I Can’t Make Up (and that piss me off) | Write in the Wrong Way

  2. I LOVE the video!! Being 4’10” I have totally done the kitchen-climb. I sometimes impress and distress others by my ninja moves to get on the counter tops…. I feel your pain all over!

    • I forgot that you’re in my club!! (cause we have a club, in case you didn’t know lol) Ninja moves indeed! I find myself tempted to use them at work all the time because we have a full kitchen and I usually end up putting the dishes and supply deliveries away :) I hate it when people freak – I want to say “Trust me, I got this!!”

  3. I’m over here on the opposite side of things. At 5’11” random people ask me to get things off of high shelves. Btw my 14 year old is 5’7″ :)

  4. You are really bad at being tall. If I could go ahead and add to your misery, my 8 year old is 5’1 and makes you, a 23 year look short. Hey maybe you could be a gold medal winning gymnast if you grow a foot.

    • I am actually 27, so I feel even worse lol. 5’1″ really??? She’s a foot taller than MY 8 year old and I thought little J was pretty tall for her age! I think I could have busted some ass in the Olympics if I had stuck with it, I gave it up for soccer instead :(

  5. Oh, my gosh, you are too funny! If it makes you feel even the slightest bit better, I’m 5’5″ and I can’t reach stuff on the top shelf of some kitchen cabinets either. I have to get on the counter tops sometimes, too. Also, when I was heavier my waist-to-leg height proportions were so off that I always had to cut the bottoms of my pants because they were too long. Even now there are times when I have to buy an ankle size because the regular length is just a bit too long and I don’t want to have to cut them at the bottom.

    I’m aware that none of that compares to what you have to deal with, but I will say that you are so petite! Where do you think you need to lose weight???

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