4 feet 9 inches tall.
No, I am not a fucking midget. I didn’t have a severe allergic reaction stunt my growth or anything. I came into this world [2 weeks past due] 5lbs 6oz and tiny. I was always much shorter than everyone my age, and in high school my height came to a grinding halt at 4’9″.
My nickname throughout all of school was Shortie. Up until 5th grade that used to upset the shit out of me and I would get really pissed off and kick my classmates in the shins. True story. In 6th grade, little girls and boys started changing and I realized that the little boys (who were still so very little) kinda liked the short girls. Me.
So I went along with it and to everyone – EVERYONE – I was Shortie. There are still people walking this planet that I went to school with that could not tell you my real name. Teachers, parents, coaches… good stuff. Moving on. Although I always enjoyed the attention and the conversation starter, being short can be a supreme pain in the ass for the most part.
Let me count the ways:
- I am not an arm rest. Do not put your fucking elbow/arm on my shoulder or the top of my head. That leaves your rib cage wide open for me to punch you.
- Sun visor in the car = useless. I don’t sit tall enough for it to actually block the sun from my eyes.
- My fiancé, daughter and I have been out to dinner and have had the host ask us if we want two kids menus. On multiple occasions. I can think of 4 in the past couple of years.
- Pants are always too long. Even the short sizes.
- The obvious problem of reaching stuff that average sized people have no problem reaching. I have chronic neck pain from stretching up with my right arm to get shit. And the stupid stool that stays in the kitchen… mocking me.
- A gas station attendant refused to sell me cigarettes once because she was convinced I had a fake ID and was under 18. I was 23 years old.
- People assume that I’m weak because I’m short. Once my fiancé and I (completely by ourselves) unloaded a 26′ UHaul truck up 3 flights of stairs. Bitch I am not weak!
- The next person to tell me “how cute I am” will go straight to the top of my shit list.
- Standing at a concert. Can’t see shit besides the back of people’s heads. FML
- I feel like I have tiny T-Rex dinosaur arms when playing pool.
- My feet dangle when sitting most of the time… embarrassing.
- Swimming pools? Torture. I can tread water like a pro though!
- Etc, etc, etc…..
Now since you’ve stuck with me through all this bitching, your reward is this lovely little video I made for you. The first song is “Short People” by Randy Newman – what a douchebag. Enjoy :)