What does the inside of your mind look like?

Dearest Kid,

I love you… so so so much. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling and thinking right now. Do you feel betrayed? Do you feel alone? You must know that we’re not allowed to contact you, otherwise I would. I can’t help but wonder what you’re thinking about today. I don’t know when you’ll start to feel the effects of detox but I do know that it’s going to be painful and unpleasant. How are you feeling right now? Are you alone, is there someone else in your room? Are the nurses treating you kindly? Do you have anyone to talk to? Is there TV to watch? What are you doing all day? I hope they’re not just keeping you sedated, because that would severely piss me the fuck off.

What does the inside of your mind look like, Kid? What do these demons look like… the ones that have brought you to your knees over the past couple of weeks? Do they creep in slowly, taunting you until you get the next fix? Or do they slam into your mind violently and torture you instead? I have a feeling it’s the latter. Being addicted to cigarettes myself, I know that feeling when it’s been too long since the last one and everything starts to feel uncomfortable and excruciatingly irritating. How much worse does that feel with drugs? I can’t even know, Kid. I don’t want to know.

It breaks my heart to know that you have done things that you yourself would scoff at… stealing from our family. That’s not my brother. What did your mind look like at those moments? When you were sneaking around in Grandma’s room, rummaging through her jewelry box… what could have possibly been happening in your head? I wonder if you maybe justified it somehow… promising yourself you would pay her back or something. Did you feel remorse? Did you even care about how it would affect her? Did you think you deserved it? Or maybe you just thought she wouldn’t notice… I wonder. I wonder if you will feel ashamed at all of this, or if it will drive you further away from the people who love you. I hope it doesn’t break your heart, the way mine is breaking right now. Please know that she forgives you, as we all do.. we know that you wouldn’t do those things if you had more control. That’s why you’re where you are now.

What kind of dark places have you visited during the night? Mom says you’ve been taking their cars and when they go to leave in the morning there is no gas. Where have you been, Kid? What kind of creepy mother fuckers have you been visiting while the world has slept? I shudder to think about the dangerous situations you’ve most likely put yourself in… just to get a little bit. Just to feel better, until the next time you need some. And what is it, exactly, that you’ve needed Kid? Pills? Powder? Needles? What have you been putting into your body that has had such a grip on your mind? Whatever it was, I hope that after this you never ever want to see it again. I hope.

When you laid alone in your little closet under the stairs at Mom’s, what did the inside of your mind look like? Did you ever think about how you seem more like Dad as time goes on? Did you ever question whether your relationship with B was hurting you more? Did you feel like a failure, like your life wasn’t worth living anymore? I cry when I think about these answers. I want to say I hope you didn’t feel that way, but I know that you did. I know you, Kid. You thought that because you were 25 with no job, no place of your own, no money, no future, no plans… and this fucking addiction… I bet you felt like, “What’s the point?” I’ve heard you say things like that before.. but never in this kind of context. You are scaring the fuck out of me.

Did you know that our little brother and sister love you just as much as I do? Have you noticed that you’ve scared the shit out of them too recently? How about Mom & Step-dad? Mom said you told her nobody cares about you… did you really feel that way? It shatters my soul to consider that you might have REALLY felt like nobody cared. I can easily see how you would think that. Nobody said shit to you about what was happening because we were all afraid to “set you off”. We tiptoed on eggshells with your feelings and your emotions while we talked about you and plotted on you behind your back. I just hope that somewhere deep down you know that this family loves you. And we do so UNCONDITIONALLY.

I want so much to hug you, tussle your greasy ass hair and tell you to shave that mess of a beard on your face. I want to sit on the trunk of my car and smoke cigarettes and talk about life with you. I want you to tell me the story again of how Men’s Warehouse had you listed as Father of the Bride and looked at you strangely when you came in for your fitting. I want to write a song with you, to sing together at my reception. I was really looking forward to doing that, the way we used to when you were in high school and you played at family parties and I sang with you. I want to play outside with the kids and the dogs with you, making them all monkeys in the middle. I want you to come visit me in VA and stay the weekend with us like you used to. I want to make new inside jokes with you about how fucked up our family is. I want you to give me away at my wedding, like we planned.

Most of all though, I just want you around. I love you.

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Love always,

Your little big sister,

Amanda.

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