Why I will never be a child abductor.

This past weekend I did a good deed. I selflessly drove 2.5 hours to my best friend’s home in Delaware to stay with her two sons Saturday & Sunday so she could spend a spontaneous weekend in Vegas with her husband. It was a last-minute request by him, he was already there for work – she is always stuck home with the kids because he’s a pilot and spends days at a time “on the road”. She is pregnant with baby #3, had been on bedrest for 3 weeks right at the beginning of her pregnancy and still threw me a really amazing bridal shower. Not to mention she’s a great friend…. so I figured this little favor was the very least I could do for her.

Anyway, I get there and these little boys (3 and 6) who are normally very sweet and well-behaved kids… start acting like mini-satans. I am not really a kid person to begin with… I only like my kid and the kids of my closest friends & family. So for these two to start acting bat shit crazy put me immediately on edge. Screaming, fighting, ignoring me, making huge messes, refusing to clean them up, and being brats in general. It took everything in my power not to scream “GO TO YOUR FUCKING ROOMS AND STAY THERE TILL YOUR MOM COMES HOME!!!” Cause that’s what I was thinking.

Knowing that this particular line of discipline would probably not work (or sit well with their Mommy), I used another tactic instead – DISTRACTION.

You probably didn’t know, but I make the BEST living room tents in the history of EVER.

They were still bad ass little minions, but Aunt Amanda won this battle hands down. Because I had tent leverage (as in, do what I say or I’m taking the tent down).

BAM! Worked like magic baby.

On the long drive home I couldn’t help but entertain this thought: I could never, ever be a child abductor. You couldn’t pay me all the money in the fucking world to steal someone’s kids.

I also entertained this thought: I never, ever want to have another child. Having two in the house changes the whole dynamic. For my friend to be on #3, I might have her admitted to the psych ward to hang out with my little brother. People with 4+ children should be forced to take all of their extraneous kids and live on a remote island somewhere far away from me.

That is all.

Related Post: What do you mean you’re pregnant?

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6 thoughts on “Why I will never be a child abductor.

  1. I sometimes wonder how other people deal with having kids at all…. I mean, *my* kids are great, but most of the other kids I’ve ever met are little monsters.

  2. This is why I’m content to be an aunt/babysitter and not a mom. Because as an aunt/babysitter, after a few hours they get handed back to the parents and I get to go home to peace and quiet. Though I will say that so far I’ve gotten lucky in that all of my friends’ kids and even my nephew are pretty well behaved around me. Or maybe it’s that they can sense the “no bullshit allowed” vibe I give off…

  3. I hate babysitting other people’s kids. My wife always gets stuck doing it because she is so nice and then I get home and have to help raising other kids satan spawns and I want to commit murder just as their parents get back.

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