I have PWTSD.

You’ve heard of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and PPD (post partum depression)…. tell me, have you ever heard of PWTSD (post wedding traumatic stress depression)?

I made it up, just go with it ok? There are a few things going through my mind that I’ve tried to sort out and keep feeling like I’m running in circles… so I bring my woes to you fine people.

1- I cannot believe that my Dad really didn’t come to my wedding. I would feel better if he were dead, or we hadn’t talked in years.. that would make more sense. The fact that he straight up said he wasn’t planning on coming and provided bullshit reasons excuses to back himself up completely disgusts me. I guess I knew he wasn’t going to show but in the back of my mind I kept hoping he would come around. It’s eating at me and I want to stand in his face and scream all the things I think about him. Pathetic piece of shit.

2- I wish we hired the professional photographer for the entire thing, from getting dressed to ending the reception. For the sake of our budget, we only hired him for the ceremony and family/bridal shower photos afterwards. Which are fucking fantastic. It makes me sad that I don’t have pictures of getting ready with my girls, my dress hanging all pretty in front of a window, our first dance…. I have shitty cell phone shots here and there, that’s all. My brother’s girlfriend took pictures during the reception and it’s obvious that she followed him around and took pictures of whatever was right in front of her, and not even great ones. I didn’t think I would care this much, but I find myself looking at the hundreds of photos we have to relive the day and there are so many moments unaccounted for.

3- There are so many cool things we could have done at the reception and didn’t. We had a wedding tree that people stamped their thumbprints on, and that’s all. I had tons of ideas to do river stones and have guests write on them, to have wine bottles out and paper for people to write advice on, to have “scavenger hunts” for photo shots on the reception tables (that would have helped alleviate problem #2), a mad-lib type of game at the tables… things that would have created more memories. I feel like I don’t have closure. There aren’t many physical things that I can look at and touch to remind me of all the people who came to celebrate with us. I regret that.

4- How the fuck did 5 hours fly by so fast? I don’t think I even got to speak with everyone that came, and there were only 60 people there!

5- It makes me sad that we didn’t have a dance floor full of people having a great time. The dance floor was pretty much empty besides my daughter, 11-year-old sister and my sister’s friend. Was it the DJ not getting people pumped up? Was it the mix of guests? Either way, it was pretty sad and depressing. At every wedding I’ve been to, I have never seen such an empty dance floor.

6- The wedding officiate was absolutely god awful.. By her showing up late, I had no idea what the fuck I was supposed to do during the ceremony. When to hold my bouquet, when to give it to my MOH, when to hold J’s hand, where to hold the ring while we said vows… she didn’t ask “who gives this woman away” or whatever.. I literally met her when I walked up the stairs to start the ceremony. Not exactly a good time to be chatting.

7- Not having a videographer… I can’t remember the ceremony. The words… the vows I only know because J’s parents had the foresight to record them. From what I understand, the wording of the ceremony (State of DE generic wedding ceremony) was absolutely beautiful. And I can’t remember a single word of it.

I just feel empty… like there was this super beautiful flower in my hands that just wilted and died as I watched it. It’s all over, it can’t be recreated. It will never happen again. I want to go back in time and do it over, with what I know now… why was I such a whiny bitch about the planning? I wish I could have stepped back from the day-to-day grind of preparing to think about how I would feel when it was all over.

I hope that the memories that are still so stunningly fresh in my mind stay that way for as long as possible. I can’t believe it’s almost been a month now.. time passes way too fast for my taste.


9 thoughts on “I have PWTSD.

  1. First…I would like to say I agree totally with Simple Heart Girl! She is right! Be happy that you are with the man you love!

    Now…for the rest.

    1. Confront your dad! If you dont…you will let this just build up inside you and that is never a good thing!

    2. The memories are all there….inside your head! You will always have them. If you want…keep blogging about it! Then at least those memories are written down!

    3-5. It is so hard to plan a reception! Our wedding/reception is in September…and I have been working on it for a long time!! And I know that there are things I will forget or regret not doing. But again….you have the memories! As for the dance floor….trust me…this happens more than you think. We will have one…but I doubt it ever has more than 6 people on it….and we are having 100.

    As for the rest….Every morning when you wake up…turn to your husband and say “I love you forever and always” – And when he grumbles back at you….remember that this is why it happened!


  2. People get far too caught up in having the party, and forget that’s it’s a celebration of marrying someone you get to spend the rest of your life with. You need to stop focusing on the materialistic stuff and be happy that you’ve married the man of your dreams :)

    • I don’t know if I’m far enough removed yet to forget the materialistic stuff! Besides, what I was really after were tangible memories. I love to collect things from places we go and things that we do (for scrap books, wall art… etc.), I was disappointed in myself for not making something that I could “collect” from the wedding too!

  3. You know what they say about hindsight being 20/20. It happens. And without sounding cliché or anything, maybe just focus on the stuff you did get to do.You got to marry the love of your life. Not everyone gets to do that. So already you’ve come out on top. :)

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