Out of Focus

Time is sort of drifting along today… seeming to go fast at times, and excruciatingly slow at others. I’m tired. I feel anxious & stressed… about money of course. I start a task at work only to trail off before finishing and my eyes seem to blur the screen in front of me into swirls of color.

And there’s still 3 hours left of this.

I don’t know what my problem is today.. I think I’ll blame it on the weather. It’s so fuckin gorgeous outside that being in this stupid office building is crushing my soul. I would give my left arm to be on a beach, in a park, on a boat, in a pool… even just in the car with the windows down.

I can’t even say that I plan to spend time outside when I get home either. Instead we all have to schlep to the leasing office and sit there for 30 minutes to listen to the lady drag on about changes for this next lease term and increased RENT and EXTRA charges that are going on the bill and blah blah. I just want to choke this woman. She is an extreme people pleaser, and will spend 10 minutes just talking to little J and trying to give her candy and junk food. Why do I know this? Because this will be the third death sentence lease I sign with this place.

We want so desperately to get OUT of an apartment and into a town house at least, or better yet – buy a house, but our credit sucks so bad that it makes my insides explode to think about it. A culmination of me scratching and clawing my way through college as a single mom with a baby and making ends meet ANY way I had to.. and J going blindly through 2 degrees without any guidance from anyone about how to handle his school costs and other finances. Then you join those two together and get a big fat bad credit sandwich with snubbed noses in the middle. Boo.

Hoping that next year will be the year that we can finally lift ourselves up and out of this stage of our lives and into a better one. Cause I want a dog, damnit… and I refuse to get one while we live three stories off the ground.

Someone brought in Reese’s Peanut Butter Ice Cream sandwiches or something like that… I think I’ll go give myself a little sugar high and hopefully snap out of this foggy daze I’m in.

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