Living with the enemy.

I just had an “argument” with my husband that started completely randomly. Out of nowhere. About my daughter, of course… In 4 years of being together and exhausting all the other things to argue about, my daughter and housework are the only things that keep the argument candle burning.

To be honest, I can’t even tell you how it started. I can however tell you that it has ended with my husband going to bed while I type angrily away on my laptop.

The gist of the argument is that J thinks Little J manipulates me into being on her side and undermining his authority. My argument is that he is way too tough on her and has unrealistic expectations for an 8-year-old. I’m pretty sure that I’m right.

Bragging aside, my daughter is a perfect angel. She is well-behaved in public, she does what we tell her, when we tell her [even if she does them slower than we would prefer], she is an enthusiastic student, indiscriminate back scratcher, follower of rules even if we’re not around, lover of dance/soccer/tae kwon do/girl scouts, and even says please and thank you.. most of the time. Oh, by the way… she’s fucking 8 going into 3rd grade this year.

My position is that she does not manipulate me to her “side,” when I stick up for her it’s because I think J is being an unfair asshole. There are many, MANY occasions when she sticks up for him because she thinks I’m being unfair to him. Ask me how many time he sticks up for her.

……………………………………

The answer: 0.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

For whatever reason.. when my husband looks at my little girl… he sees someone who is looking to take advantage of any situation in her favor. I find this perspective completely unacceptable and quite frankly, the one thing that would make me consider not being his wife in the future.

I don’t give a shit what kind of paper I signed, or promise I made while wearing a fancy dress… my daughter – my baby girl – will ALWAYS be my number 1 priority. I don’t give a fuck about marital unity or united parental consensus. Until the day that I [or she] dies, I will consider myself to be her last line of defense. The one person on this planet who would die for her, without batting an eyelash. That’s me. I’m her fucking Mom. Considering the fact my husband didn’t meet her until she was 4, and still doesn’t put her as his main priority, his opinion when it comes to their differences is low on my list. Hers is first.

I always step back and picture how a situation looks through her eyes. I feel like that is my responsibility as a parent. To be sure I am taking into account her feelings when responding to a situation. His tactic is: “I’m the adult, so fuck you.”

Trust me.. I am usually on board with that. Unless I think that taking that kind of stance is unfair for her. Being so young, I can remember in painful, vivid details, being a young person who adults talked down to and didn’t give the time of day to… simply because they were adults and in charge.

That is un-fucking-acceptable and I refuse to raise my daughter that way. You people probably have no idea what it’s like to try to “teach” someone who has never had a child to be a parent. It’s fucking hard. All J has to go on are his own experiences from childhood, which he will happily tell you were not good.

So why, when your childhood was so “shitty”, would you employ those same shitty tactics on another child? I simply won’t stand for it. I don’t fucking care what our vows said. When it comes down to J and Little J… you can bet that I will have my daughter’s back 100%.

If she were doing something life threatening, awful, shitty beyond comprehension, disrespectful to the people around her, etc… it would be a different story. However, my kid is actually a legitimately good kid, despite having a mother that is merely 19 years older than her. I refuse to make her feel like shit for waking up at 5am when we have company here, or having a bad attitude now and then. These things are normal, to be expected, and not things to make a big lasting deal of.

When you make a kid feel like shit about little unimportant things.. they will find a reason to give you actual important things to make a big deal out of. You can bet your ass on that because it’s human fucking nature.

So I say to you J.. calm your ass the fuck down, get off Little J’s ass for the stupid little things, and this will be one happy marriage.

Continue to make my baby girl feel like shit about things that are unimportant and the little things that have no lasting impact on the grand scheme of our lives… I will make you sorry you were ever born. My husband or not. You can bet your ass I will make your life a living hell.

Push me, I fucking DARE you.

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12 thoughts on “Living with the enemy.

  1. i just stopped by to check out your blog because i noticed you started following my blog (how did that happen?), and can i say- i think i’m in LOVE with you?!?!?!?!?!?!? don’t tell your husband and i won’t tell mine! (hahahahahaha) welcome to my blog, and i can’t wait to read more of your stuff! :) you rock it, lady!

    • This was the absolute coolest comment to read first thing this morning as I was getting my first “phone fix” of the day!!! :) I found your blog because I read an article about the ABSURDITY of the charges brought against you for the front yard garden, found the link to your blog.. and kept reading and reading :) I love your style of writing, and your perspective on life!! And now I have a really strange want to try raw milk too LOL. I’m glad you enjoy my antics over here too!!!

  2. Well, I certainly understand both of your views because my wife had a child when we met. We are still married but he was a handful and put our family through hell. He was fine as a young kid involved in sports, Cub Scouts, etc. I have been to countless student-teacher-parent conferences (where the hell was his dad…?) The teen years will be the real testing grounds. She sounds like a great daughter and you are an involved parent, you just need to come to some common ground with your husband or make some clear cut rules.

    If you are wondering…my stepson is 23, never graduated from high school, broke into our house while we were on vacation, stole numerous items over the years from our house. Am I bitter? You bet! Upset? Sure thing!

    One day it will all pass!

    • Kevin.. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. It makes me sad to read about your experiences with your step son. I hope that we never get to that point, and this is a good reminder to stay on our toes, even during these “easy” years of elementary school. And you’re right… “this too, shall pass” – it could always be worse, no matter how bad it seems.

      • Things do get better and you just plow through them. I feel much worse for my wife than anyone else. He is doing better but he has planted the seed of doubt in my mind so I have a very hard time trusting him or anything else he says.

        Work out a parenting plan with your husband now and stick to it. My wife said to me numerous times, that me being strict in hindsight was a good thing and wish she listened to me more. I feel so bad for my wife and the hell that kid has put her through.

        • A written plan sounds like an awesome idea.. thank you for the inspiration! I have a 25 year old brother that is putting my mother through hell the past few months… It hurts to see someone else struggle with an “adult” that keeps f***ing things up!

          • I agree with you. My brother also gave my parents hell but it was because of mental issues. He is on his meds and is fine now. My stepson is another story but he seems to be doing well now. Just create a plan a stick to it. You aren’t being a mean parent; you are being a great parent. Have an united front and pick your battles! Good luck!

  3. I know that wasn’t aimed at me, but holy cow! I’m scared now! ;)

    I don’t know what the situation is because I only know what you’ve written here, but I will say this: As the person that comes into a relationship where the S.O. has a child (or children) already, it’s tough. I speak from my own experience (as you know already). Granted, my situation was totally different, but the part that is similar is that J and I both entered into a unit that already existed before we got there. So, all I can say (suggest?) is try not to get super-upset. Talk to him about it. It is so incredibly important that the three of you get along so I really hope you and J can sit down and talk about it. It’ll be good for you if you do. :)

    • Thank you for the insight… I know it’s been hard for him. It has been hard for me too, letting go of total control in lieu of sole responsibility. In 4 years we’ve had arguments similar to last night a million times. And I’m sure there will be more. Each time we get closer to common ground, but we’re definitely not there yet!

  4. Haha, I’m flattered. For being a small person, I definitely make up for it with my temper. This post was written while I was still seeing red. Imagine being on the other side of a fight with me… it can’t be fun, I imagine.

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