That’s how my mind feels right now. I’m here at work, presumably doing things (hopefully without fucking them up)… but I don’t really feel here in the present. This is becoming a recurring theme, the feeling I could best describe as “BLAH” has consumed me and I can’t put my finger on why.
It’s money, that’s why I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t have any.
Money has consumed my whole summer. From the couple of days leading up to our wedding until the very moments that I’m typing this post, it’s every other thought I have. We have been so financially fucked lately that it’s affecting my mood more than a couple of times a week. Not that we’re on the verge of living on the streets or anything, don’t get me wrong. We’re just behind. Very, very behind on too many bills. We have too much debt. We have too little monthly income right now. We have too many fees and penalties. Too many EXTRA issues like car troubles and taxes and registrations. Our credit is beyond horrific. The kid’s before/after care and various activities are too expensive. We can’t get caught up, and it’s not for lack of trying.
I have been desperately trying to lower our monthly bills and expenses in an attempt to pay more things down (paying things OFF is a far-off fantasy at this point), and to help us live a little more comfortably. As it stands, my student loans are on interest only payments because it was too expensive to get a forbearance. Yes, you read that right – Sallie Mae wanted me to pay $150 for a 3-month forbearance.. and I was like fuck you, lower the monthly as much as you can instead. We don’t pay for cable TV anymore (although we can still watch it. Weird? Yes. Will I tell the cable company about it? No.) I spend two hours every other Sunday creating a bi-weekly meal plan complete with recipes and a shopping list broken down by circular prices at local stores, then go to three different grocery stores to get all our shit. It’s like a five-hour ordeal. HOWEVER, I’m proud to say these trips are now $200 or less every 2 weeks. We literally sit in the dark sometimes, if the lights are not essential.. open blinds during the daytime, only run the water when we absolutely have to. I haven’t really seen a decrease in utility bills yet… it’s probably a futile attempt anyway.
My point is, I’m expending a shit ton of energy and concentration on being frugal and the return rate is a fucking joke. We are getting hit with so many late fees and cancellation fees and past due this or that kinda bullshit that it doesn’t even matter how much money I’ve managed to save on other stuff. It’s like a big ass sinkhole and we’re thrashing around in it making things worse. It’s hard to be in a good mood when XYZ collection agency is calling again and that nasty letter from whatever place is in the mail again and the checking account balance is still pitifully too low to do anything about any of it.
Anyway…. what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been wanting to write a “real” post for many days now, and I just can’t do it. Because I sit down to type, and watch the little cursor blink while all I can think about is “how the fuck are we going to pay the rest of the late fee to the leasing office? where am I gonna get the money for the double after-school care payment this month to make up for them letting me pay for summer camp in small increments for a few weeks? how long will J’s brakes last before we HAVE to get them fixed? will I get pulled over driving today cause my registration is expired and I can’t renew it until I pay the rest of my past-due car tax on the 15th?”
Hard to focus on anything, really… when that kind of shit is swimming around in my brain.
It’s hitting me now that this is maybe more personal than you came here to read about. You’ll have to get the fuck over it. This is my pity party and if you’ve been here before, you know that by now! All I can do is keep moving forward, one fucking bill at a time. RAWR.
**Edit: Just saw this picture on Facebook and HAD to add it to this post!