What fresh hell is this?!

People! I’ve been meaning to tell you the rest of my story about last weekend and haven’t been able to put fingers to keys. Too tired, too busy and frankly… too apathetic. It almost feels stupid to write because it’s like a broken fucking record. Aren’t you tired of hearing about my jacked up family?! Yet still you read. Thank you for that.

Now then, where was I?

Oh, that’s right. I was pledging support for my heroin addicted brother. That still stands. And while I’m on the topic, I guess I’ll throw in a quick update. His halfway house interview went well.. he moves on Monday. He was very irritable and annoyed the other day when my mom suggested getting a new phone number so it wouldn’t be as easy for him to get in touch with “those” people.

Whatever. He’s gonna have days like this. He’ll either make the right choices when the time comes or he won’t. We can’t choose for him, unfortunately. Just have to stand strong and be ready.

Last Saturday night I went out to dinner with my mom, my aunt and my aunt’s girlfriend. We had a good time then went back to my mom’s house to watch a movie. I was intercepted by my 7 year-old-brother and ended up building a sheet fort in his bedroom instead. I left the J’s at home and my sister was at a sleepover… it was really fun to have some quality time with just him.

He’s been very sick the past 3 weeks. He kept running a really high fever that would last for 4-5 days then disappear for a couple days. She sent him back to school twice only to have him sent back home immediately. The preliminary blood results were scary as shit:

autoimmune disease (runs in my family)


rheumatoid arthritis

lyme disease (my stepdad already contracted from a tic in their backyard)

He’s been out of school, obviously, and started home-bound instruction last week  to get caught up. A few days ago he went to a children’s hospital where luckily, the doctor who analyzed the final blood work results and checked him out thinks it’s some sort of wacky virus that I can’t remember the name of to save my life. It’s irrelevant anyway. The good news is, it looks like he’ll be able to go back to school next week and my mom can have one less issue to deal with!

I digress. Fort building, yada yada yada… Enter Sunday: Scared Straight Intervention.

Yes, I’m naming my weekend plans this way. Sunday was reserved for my 17-year-old brother. The one who has been skipping school, smoking pot & drinking. The kid that is most likely going to have to repeat 11th grade because he’s being an asshole and not making school a priority.

I walked through the door of his home, his mom asked how N is doing, I noticed S standing at the top of the stairs and said “Why don’t you come down here? I’ll fill you both in at the same time.” And then S got a crash course in heroin addiction. A fast lesson on why fucking up and doing stupid shit in high school can and does ruin the rest of  your life. We talked about my father, who we determined is a sick individual who should not be taken seriously when he’s saying things like “you’re a loser, you’ll never amount to anything, etc.” And I think he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love him and I’m here for him.

That was the theme for the weekend: I  love you, I’m here for you. Cause when your family is dealing with the kind of shit my family is dealing with, love and support are the only things that make the hurt less painful. Knowing that you can turn around and have someone there to hold you while you cry about it. That’s what I need to be for my brothers.

Present. Involved. Proactive.

I can’t control S, but if I can affect him enough to at least make him question or think twice about the bad shit that he does.. then I’ve done enough. And for N…. I have this sinking feeling that the halfway house is going to be a means to an end. And I’m not talking about recovery. I’m talking about freedom, to go and use again. I want to be deliriously hopeful like my mom but I just can’t. I have to be realistic.

There’s even more to this story, one more piece from last weekend that I really screwed up. But I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.

Moving on.

Actually strike that… more later.


2 thoughts on “What fresh hell is this?!

  1. hey, amanda- i know i don’t really know you well enough to say this with 100% sincerity, but i’m moved by the spirit of your post to declare, “i love you. i’m here for YOU.” so for whatever that’s worth from a semi-stranger in cyber-space, i’m here for real in whatever capacity i can be… stay strong, sister…

    • It’s worth a hell of a lot more than you think …. thank you. :) The more time that passes, the more normal it seems. Although I would never want addiction to be a normal part of my life, it makes it easier to deal if I can be like “hey mom, how was your weekend? how about this weather? has N relapsed and started using heroin again? okay bye!” lol That way it’s not such a big emotional dramatic event every time something changes with ‘the situation’… and writing helps so much. and knowing that people read, and empathize. It really means a lot.

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