I will not let cigarettes kill me… I hope.

I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I’m quitting. So don’t get your little hopes up and all that. I am merely trying to lessen the number of cigarettes I’m smoking each day by spacing them out throughout the day more.  I will say right up front that if you are a non smoker, most of this probably won’t make any sense to you. Unless you have another type of addiction that threatens to harm your health every time you pick it up… you’ll understand. Also, I have killed people for saying less than “you should quit, it’s bad for you” or “I quit so you can too”. Just, shut the fuck up. Please. You’re not me.

I’ve been giving serious thought to quitting in the last month and knew I had start somewhere. As crazy as this might sound, I refuse to use nicotine replacements that might help me get through the hardest part: the beginning. I have my reasons for not choosing patches, medication, gum, e cigarettes and whatever the hell else exists in the smoking cessation world. Most of my reasons are pretty irrational… but then again, so is inhaling something that I know is going kill me multiple times every day of my life for the past 12 years.

  • Although I probably could afford these things, I don’t want to spend money on them. I’m trying to spend less money on this disgusting habit. If any of these options happen to be available for free, save your breath. My new answer is: I don’t feel like going to get it/making the call/filling out the online form/or WHATEVER.
  • I don’t want to do what’s cool and popular. I’m all about doing shit the hard way – MY OWN WAY, so that when I succeed I can brag about how I did it against all odds. Then in the future I can stumble upon someone in the place where I am right now and condescendingly say “I quit so you can too” – and hope that they don’t kill me as I myself threatened to do to you in the beginning of this post.
  • Once upon a time, I tried to quit smoking. That particular time I was 19 and had recently found out I was pregnant. I used patches… and they made me sick as shit. At the time I was much, much skinnier and apparently the patches weren’t intended for adults who are 4’9 and 110lbs. Yes, I tried cutting them in half you asswad. I don’t feel like finding out if the same thing would happen now that I’m a chubby (but still short) person.
  • I’ve been hearing (but not bothering to do follow-up research on) new regulations that are being presented for the e cigarette industry. As in, there have never been any before. As in, who the fuck knows what kind of chemical nightmare is inside of those little plastic sticks with the cute light-up ends. I use them when I have to. When I’m on a work trip (or coming up soon, a Girl Scout camping trip) where I absolutely cannot possibly sneak away to smoke without murdering any potential witnesses.
  • Blah, blah, blah… you get the picture

So I’m REDUCING the amount that I’m smoking. We’ll call this “Phase 1”. There is no plan in place for Phase 2 because honestly, it will be a miracle if I can keep this up once the weekend hits. Here’s my current cigarette schedule, more or less:

  • 1 cigarette on my way to work
  • 1 cigarette in the middle of the day (some might call this a “lunch break” although I do not officially have one as I opted to knock that extra 30 minutes off my overall workday so I just eat at my desk)
  • 1 cigarette on my way home from work
  • 1 cigarette AFTER Little J goes to bed (this is the hardest part right now, I’m used to smoking right after dinner… delaying my post-food nicotine gratification causes me to be extremely irritable and of all things, sweaty, while I count down the minutes to bedtime)
  • 1 cigarette before I go to bed (this is also questionable… sometimes I have two. I just force myself to wait at least 2 hours until having another)

Nights are the WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so used to chain-smoking like it’s my job while I drink wine and read a book. Or play on the computer. Or just sit outside playing games on my phone because the weather has been so much warmer lately. It’s hard. Night time is going to be what makes this whole thing fall apart.

Oh, and weekends. Judging by my cigarette schedule I bet you’re thinking that I’ve been at this for a little while right, like maybe a couple of weeks? I started on Monday. Ha!!! So this weekend should be interesting. I’m going to try to stay on the same schedule I do for work but not being cooped up in an office building with no immediate outdoor access will make that a much trickier task.

This is not my first stab at quitting. It probably won’t be my last easier. It doesn’t get easier every time, like I’ve heard some idiots try to tell me. I lack the willpower to do this right… I try so hard. I talk to myself in my head ALL DAY. Literally:

Me: Ughhhh I really want a cigarette. I’m just going to have one. I’ve only had 1 today so I’m doing good, one extra one won’t kill me.

Me: YES IT WILL!! THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE TO QUIT! ONE WILL KILL YOU!!!! You should see your lungs, they are black and moldy and you’re going to die. You’re going to break your daughter’s heart and leave her motherless. She’s going to grow up and smoke cigarettes and die just like you are going to. Don’t you dare smoke that cigarette.

Me: Butttttt it’s just one little cigarette!!! I’ll skip the next one I’m allowed to have on the way home, I promise.

Me: You are a fucking liar.

Me: I know. It’s a nice day and I’m going to have the music up and windows down and there’s no way I’ll be able to resist a cigarette when I’m feeling so groovy!

Me: See?! That’s why you can’t have one right now! You had one at lunch time you freaking loser, can’t you just wait 2 more hours till you get off work?

Me: Well.. uh… I didn’t smoke one on the way in to work!!!!!!! So technically I get an extra one today anyway!

Me: You’re a goddamn fool. You weren’t allowed to smoke one this morning because you stayed up until 3am and had 2 extra ones after midnight! Technically today!!!

Me: Fuck you. You don’t know how hard it is to resist this tight feeling in my chest I feel like someone is trying to squeeze the life out of me and it won’t stop until I have a cigarette.

Me: That would be your lungs, crumbling apart because you’re going to die if you smoke another cigarette.

Me: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and that’s essentially how I will remain until I can smoke again. and this is just in Phase 1.)


…. You get the picture? This sucks.



4 thoughts on “I will not let cigarettes kill me… I hope.

  1. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh- this is like me with chocolate… i have nothing constructive to say at all, except i feel your pain (but unlike you i don’t have the guts to try to quit!)…

  2. Ouch… I feel your pain. Even though I somehow managed to quit decades ago I still remember what a bitch it was. I remember having those same conversations in my head (more often than not my pro-smoking voice had the more compelling argument ;-). Yep, totally quit cold turkey… about the 12th time I tried it.

    I’ll say what I say to my wife, who is also currently doing the cutting back thing. Don’t beat yourself up if you backslide a bit. If you are trying to smoke 7 cigarettes a day and you end up smoking 10 or 11.. but you used to smoke a pack (or 3 as I did) then that’s still a good day! It’s all about the little victories ;-)

    And go to the Goodwill store or something and pick up a bunch of cheap shit, because I can tell you that sometimes breaking stuff makes you feel soooo much better. Good luck!!!

What's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s