Swallowing Tears

I saw my brother last night. He’s the most fucked up I’ve ever seen him. Homeless, getting arrested frequently for shoplifting (and released, I might add, due to a very broken system), skinnier than I’ve ever seen him. Walking around in someone else’s clothes and shoes from the jail. Being minimally sustained by my mother.. I can’t even go there right now. It’s a surreal, tangled, sticky web of fuckedupness. 

I am so sad. My heart breaks for my family. It’s unfixable and unbearable and unending and unfair.

I want to cry the kind of heaving sob that shakes your whole body and leaves your throat sore and head aching but I can’t. I can only let tears roll down my cheeks in silence. I’m afraid if I start to cry, I’ll never be able to stop.

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