Filed under Addiction

Wait for the good days.

I can’t completely let him go. I can’t do it. Cause who knows how long he’ll be in my life? Continue reading


For old times sake.

My little brother, N, used to make beautiful music. There was one year of his life in particular when he was reeling with heartbreak from a relationship ending that he put out song after amazing song to ease his pain. Those were the days before heroin was used to ease pain instead. I found a … Continue reading

That awkward moment when..

Your best friend calls to ask if it’s safe for her son to spend the night with your brother (I know, it’s weird, they’re the same age). She asked if it’s safe. Read: is my heroin addict brother there. Is my enabling, in denial, mentally unwell mother going to be caring for them. Will there … Continue reading

Can’t take my mind off of you.

Can’t take my mind off of you.

N, I miss you. I miss my little brother… As far as I’m concerned, he died a few months ago. He was almost back… so close. I will never take those moments for granted, when I almost saw you again. He’s nowhere to be found, now. Just a ghost remains, an empty shell. A manipulative … Continue reading

Let me take you on a tour of crazy.

I broke. I knew I would. I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes at 2pm and I smoked one. And it was fucking sweet. Post-cigarette remorse crept in and I scolded myself appropriately. I said “Amanda, you WILL NOT get a cigarette on your ride home today. And because you have the self … Continue reading

Divine Intervention?

Divine Intervention?

I’m not really one for religion. Or god. Or worshiping anyone other than myself. I don’t buy into the church stuff. I have my reasons… but this isn’t the time or place for all that. I say all this to say that something funny has been happening this morning. What most of you knee benders … Continue reading

Sometimes, I just like to screw shit up.

Like quitting smoking. Doing something for a WHOLE WEEK is boring, so  I only did it for a few days. Then smoked enough cigarettes over the weekend to completely cancel out any progress made last week.. smh. The drinking didn’t help, just as I predicted. But drank anyway. Cause I have this much self-control: ZERO. … Continue reading

Avoiding temptation.

Avoiding temptation.

From where I sit, I can see my cigarettes. And my smoking chair. And my gross little oasis of serenity and alone time. The place where I’m slowly killing myself. I screwed up last night… Prob smoked 10 or 11 cigarettes. I lost count. This morning I am determined not to have one till ‘lunch … Continue reading