N has been on my mind a lot this week. Ever since I found that CD of his. Later that same day I had a very depressing conversation with my mother. I finally had the balls to tell her that I think she’s enabling him and not helping with his situation through the constant coddling and ‘making sure’. She put me right in my fucking place. She said,
Amanda, I don’t know how long your brother is going to be with us. If the drugs don’t kill him, I’m afraid his health problems will. He’s SO skinny. He looks like shit. And that cough… it’s only getting worse. Not only that, but I don’t know if this guy he’s moving in with is a dealer or also uses. If so, what happens when they start stealing from each other? I just don’t know Amanda. -sobs- If N were to die tomorrow I would never forgive myself if I cut him completely off. And for the record, I don’t help him nearly as much as I used to. I’ve had to get to a place that I’m comfortable with regarding his addiction. You need to find your place as well. For me, he’s my son. I can’t completely let him go. I can’t do it. Cause who knows how long he’ll be in my life? I wait for the good days, then I tuck them away. Cause every good day he has isn’t a bad day and I don’t want to miss any of his good days.
Well, I’m sorry Mom. For being a judgmental bitch. I told her so but I don’t know if she could hear me through her tears. I don’t know why I’ve been assuming that my thoughts regarding N’s addiction reign supreme and she’s been getting it all wrong. Maybe it’s me who is wrong. It’s hard to tell when nothing feels right.
Sigh.
Amanda
Write in the Wrong Way 
Oh my gosh- humility is so hard when you are hurting too. I think it’s really courageous that you were able to see beyond your own pain and step up for your mother and change your perspective… These things are SO hard to navigate and I really admire the strength you are showing for sharing your struggles here…
So hard to navigate indeed… it’s a never-ending nightmare. Emphases on never-ending.. And nightmare!
I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. :(
I appreciate. Sefishly, I wish it was some other family that I write about. So I could just read and think ewwwww that is fucking awful glad it’s not me. But it’s me. And my mom. And my brother :( my kid brother. It just breaks my fucking heart.
That’s so true. That’s what I love about blogging. Whether it is something really heartbreaking, or annoying or funny, the blog is a great outlet to put all you things you want off your chest and just free it from your mind for a little. All I know is that you were awesome in that video that we did and it was a great fun to do it.
Well you let me know when you want to do another :) I’m always game for planned distractions!
So heartbreaking Amanda. I hope things get better for him and you and your family. And I hope your little girl isn’t too affected by all of it. She is so awesome, I would hate to see her crushed by all of this. Prayers….
Thank you Ben. It’s hard for everyone. Even though my mom chose not to fill my younger brother and sister in on what N’s problem is, I did tell Little J that he has a drug addiction. It’s something she already knew about (duh, drugs are bad) therefore an easy explanation as to why her uncle is around sometimes, not others, and why she hears snippets of odd conversations on my end of the phone about it. I left out all the gory details and leave it very vague about what that means for his future. We only talk about it when she has overheard me talking about him. It makes her sad, but hopeful for him. Makes me sad too, but hopeful… not so much. I hate to only write about depressing stuff here but I find that when I really want to get something off my chest, it’s usually in relation to this. And given the fact that I can’t share his dirty laundry with the whole world.. I do it here, in relative privacy instead. Thank you for being so supportive Bitter Ben.